Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.