Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*