Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.