Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

Tik Tok is a national treasure.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*