Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
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Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
A Match(.com), but for socks.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?