@bouncingblonde

Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like “now what?”…all talk eh boys?

You Might Also Like

@UnFitz

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

@PhilJamesson

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

@mochanya

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

@skwunt

Me: Hey kid what do you want for dinner?

8: Do you have cheese?

Me: yes

8: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

8: Do you have bread and mayo?

Me: YES

8: I want spaghetti

@TheAlexP

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

@cheeky__gal

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.