I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
You Might Also Like
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My what?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Godspeed, John Glenn
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”