Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

why I oughta

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

first you must answer his riddles

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

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