Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
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My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”