Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse