Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

I’m Sold!

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.