Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
my name if I was in the mob
