Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac