Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

tell em, edith-anne

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.