Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it