Just me?
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If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.