Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

I only treason on days ending in y

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.