Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

Oh hi lol