Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back