Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.