Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Very good! 👍😂
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.