Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
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[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death