Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
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No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*