Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Oh the world we live in…
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings