Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?