Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I have never related to anyone more.
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Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
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me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
scared to check what name she chose
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What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.