Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe