Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
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I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN