Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
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Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Cat.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.