Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
You Might Also Like
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.