Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Camping tip: No.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
eggs benadryl
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.