Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
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When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
This billboard speaks to me
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Denise please return my vape pen
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.