Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
You Might Also Like
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.