Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep