Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation