Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
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[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
But I really needed water water water
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Hero horse inspires millions
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake