Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?