Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
You Might Also Like
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
if a cop pulls u over play dead
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…