Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Squirrels before girls.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8