Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*