Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
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HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend