Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

#merica

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

You are not alone 💚

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews