Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Don’t make me out nice you.

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam