just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Donkey Kong sommelier
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.