just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I’m ready for Halloween this year
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN