Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
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Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.