Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
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when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
sistine chapel
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
What the hell is going on?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.