Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
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[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
“You’d better run, egg!”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.