Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
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me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this