Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

This will teach them to underestimate me

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

British websites use biscuits.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.