Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
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What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Good news
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]