Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
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Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.