Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle