Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
