Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
This is a whole mood;
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
