Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
You Might Also Like
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.