Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
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Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Finished stitching this today 😇
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you