just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
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Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine