just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Why is no one talking about this?!
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
