just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
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Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back