Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
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I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”