Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised