Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
an airline just for babies.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Its true…
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck