Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
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Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire