Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air conditioning – not a fan

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.