Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The struggle is real
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
December birthdays be like…
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle