Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole