I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
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[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*squishes it with shoe*
Me: Not that one.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
A 72 year old benjamin button, is a pedophiles dream.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax