Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Let’s Go
Wednesday
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench: