Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]