Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
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Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Sounds like a bargain
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”