Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
best first i’ve ever seen
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.