Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
what’s more important?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*