Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.