Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
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I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Anarchy
