Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

I feel attacked.

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?