Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
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Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
I camp so other people don’t have to.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
✌🏽
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me