Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
You Might Also Like
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
jesus christ confetti not now
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is