Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
he looks great for his age
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Worst bar ever.
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
