Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
