Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

Shark week, but for squirrels.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it